A Day in the Life of Punk
by CaptainHighpants
Summary: Okay. This is a play on CM Punk's backstage reputation. Imagine this is his diary. Lots and lots of M/M slash. Do not take this seriously! You have been warned.
1. Fancy a Spin?

Punkys Diary

5:00 am - Wake up. Godamn insomnia. Sit up in bed and play with myself. Must be careful not to disturb John.

5:10 am - Need new sheets. I wrap John up warm because I am a caring soul. John is so pretty when he sleeps.

5:12 am - Climb back into bed. Go to sleep.

8:00 am - Woken up by the sound of the shower. John asks if I could join him. I say yes, but I need to take a dump first.

8:05 am - I realise at a rather inopportune time that there is no toilet paper.

8:10 am - Hop in the shower with Johnny boy.

8:15 am - I drop the soap. Ohoho.

8:20 am - John is good. So very, very good.

8:28 am - I lift John against the wall and enter his spasming tunnel. This is amazing. I feel like my tinker has been touched by an angel.

8:35 am - John is washing my beard with Herbal Essences. I make those sounds like they do in the advert. I smell great.

8:47 am - He's now blow drying it. I could get used to this. Maybe I should settle down. Hmmm.

9:00 am - I offer to make him breakfast but he insists he has to leave. Fair enough. There's only enough egg and soldiers for one person anyway.

9:35 am - Realise I have a sax lesson in ten minutes. No time for clothes.

9:45 am - I arrive at sax class. Old Jimmy is here too. He's blowing through the wrong end. I keep quiet.

9:50 am - I am a master of the sax! No one can live up to my skill! HAHA

10:10 am - I declothed everybody by simply playing 'My First, My Last, My Everything'. Even Jim stripped. Barry White, eat your heart out.

10:25 am - That was fun. On the way home I see Festus slouched in the rose bush of love humming the tune of 'A Guy like You'. This is a familiar sight. I still can't believe what happened the other night. Looks can be decieving.

10:30 am - My phone rings. It's Miz. He wants an appointment. I play hard to get. He's very persistant. But I oblige, because I like to give back.

10:34 am - Switch on the news. See a report on an elderly man who was crushed by a bunch of 'sleazy, disgusting, rotten human beings'. Sheesh. The youth of today.

10:41 am - Oh, someone's at the door. Its the police! They admire my tinker before asking if I know of a 'Brucie'. I tell them yes, I invented that move. They seem confused. I feel a hand prod my modesty, I speedily swat it away and slam the door shut. I feel violated.

10:46 am - Phone rings again. I recognise the girly voice instantly. J Gay sounds desperate, he needs me a.s.a.p. Now, I'm getting a bit bored of him, so I suggest he bring his sexy ginger friend along for the ride. I can't wait.

11:00 am - J Gay and Heath arrive. I honestly cannot understand a word Heath is saying. But that doesn't matter. He seems nervous. This is confirmed when I gently clasp his very moist hand to lead them upstairs.

11:11 am - After a bit of smooching, I ask J Gay to be patient and await his turn. He takes a seat on the floor and observes my skills because I am a sex god, after all.

11:15 am - Heath seems uptight. He needs to settle down. I think he's trying to tell me something but his accent is so confusing. I run my hands through his silky, fiery red hair to calm his nerves. It worked, of course.

11:18 am - I work my way down his slender torso with my tongue.

11:21 am - Judging by his grunting, J Gay needs relieving. I see him writhing out of the corner of my eye. Muhahaha.

11:22 am - I roughly pull down Heath's pants to expose his member. OH MY GOD MICRO PENIS. WHAT.

11:23 am - I throw up. Realise I need new sheets again.

11:27 am - I find a lead pipe under the bed and wave it around like a barbarian. "EXCUSE ME, ITS CLOBBERIN TIME" I scream, as I chase him out the room with J Gay following close behind. J Gay leaps onto my back, throwing us both forward, causing us all to fall over and pushing Heath down the stairs in the process. I feel naked flesh against my back and realise what J Gay is doing.

11:30 am - I'm not impressed and throw J Gay down the stairs too.

11:35 am - They don't appear to be moving. I drag them out onto the front garden and go back inside.

11:39 am - I sit down and contemplate what had just happened. I can't believe that monstrosity got so close to me.

11:50 am - Ooooh, I remember I have a dinner date with Dolph planned for later on! I get all excited and go to jump on the bed.

12:06 pm - Still jumping.

12:10 pm - Run out of breath. I go play with some Lego.

12:34 pm - I'm hungry. I want pizza.

12:50 pm - Pizza was vile so I threw it at the wall.

1:03 pm - I feel like rocking out. It's time to call the resident rockstar for some fun. "Yeah baby! Dude, I'll be there in 5" he says.

1:08 pm - Chris arrives. We play air guitar on top of the table.

1:10 pm - Table breaks. I ask Chris if he fancies a spin.

1:45 pm - Jerry is always a good time. Always there for me when I need cheering up.

1:57 pm - I tell him all about the traumatic experience I had this morning. He laughs hysterically so I punch him. Hahahahaha.

2:11 pm - He gives me a codebreaker then leaves. I lie there unconcious.

7:10 pm - I get woken up by a rather dapper looking Dolph in a silver bow tie. Apparently I'm late for our meal. I put on my matching bow tie, my snazzy coat and hat and we head out, hand in hand.

7:30 pm - Dolph is such a gentleman. He takes my coat, sits me down and everything.

7:37 pm - I'd like to order some sushi. Dolph orders duck.

7:45 pm - We discuss Heaths disgusting tinker. I draw it on a napkin and show him. He throws up.

8:01 pm - SUSHI IS RAW FISH? SINCE WHEN? I DEMAND MY SUSHI TO BE COOKED!

8:16 pm - Dolph looks so hot eating his duck. I want to lick his hair.

8:20 pm - I finish my cooked sushi. Was not impressed. I order ice cream for both of us.

8:26 pm - While we wait for our dessert, I slip under the table. Hoho I'm such a tease.

8:29 pm - I hear Mr Ziggles choke on his duck. The table starts to shake as he holds on for dear life. He sure tastes better than whatever that 'sushi' was.

8:33 pm - The waiter comes over with our ice cream and Dolph starts to moan really loud. The whole place goes silent and stares in our direction. How exciting.

8:35 pm - Dolph stands up and pulls me off his tinker. He drags me through the restaurant with everyone still staring. I flash them all and give them a wink before we leave through the door. They love me.

8:37 pm - Dolph needs relieving. I push him in a nearby bush.

8:42 pm - This bush isn't very nice. I've already had to pull a squirrel out of my beard.

8:48 pm - We decide to head back to my place. I order him to give me a piggy back. We run through the night, naked and free.

9:10 pm - We stumble through the door. I push Dolph up against the wall. I pin his hands above his head and whip out a pair of pink handcuffs. I'm a magician.

9:13 pm - Just as I was about to thrust into Dolph, the door bursts open. Edge comes running through. SPEAR! Not to worry though, he's only here to fix the table.

9:15 pm - I softly plant kisses along the back of his neck whilst gaining a steady rhythm. I feel a tap on the back. "I'M BUSY. GO AWAY EDGE."

9:16 pm - The tapping continued. "Um, Punk, its me, Miz. I have an appointment." How could I forget about Miz? I love Miz! I swiftly pull out of Dolph and turn to face Miz.

9:17 pm - With a sharp click of the fingers, Miz's knickers drop. He looks at me with wide eyes and gets to his knees. I bury my hands in his hair as he bobs his head.

9:24 pm - I gasp as I feel something attack my bum hole. Dolph! Oh my. This sure feels good. Back and forth, back and forth. Yes.

9:45 pm - I reach my climax and collapse on the floor. I watch as both men go at it in front of me. I'm a lucky boy.

9:50 pm - Both Dolph and Miz look worn out. Poor things.

10:00 pm - We all climb into bed. I pull both of them close to me as we watch that magnificent film Albino Farm.

10:30 pm - I uncuff Dolph and he trims my beard.

11:45 pm - Albino Farm ends. We weep.

12:30 am - This is boring. Why are they asleep? I decide to talk to myself. "Hey Punk, fancy a spin?" "Sure!"


	2. At the Copa, Copa Cabana

**A Day in the Life of Punky Poo – Part 2**

_Punky Poos POV_

7:30am - Wake up with a nose bleed. These reoccurring nightmares of my time with Festus need to stop.

7:32am - Wait. WHY'S MY BED EMPTY?

7:35am - Mike and Alex enter the room with scrambled egg on toast. They sure know how to treat a guy. It's my favourite.

7:36am - Miz looks particularly spiffy in his chefs hat and apron. And he is clearly happy to see me; if you know what I mean.

7:37am - I tell Alex to leave and I flash Miz one of my oh so seductive glares. He skips over and hops on my lap. Hmmm. This scrambled egg could come in handy.

8:30am - Some would say I've already had a full workout. Not true. No workout is complete without some naked Richard Simmons fitness DVD action to get the blood pumping.

8:36am - Alex decides to join me in the art of lunging. It's nice to feel a breeze on the crotch.

9:15am - Its time to take a dump.

**MEANWHILE…**

_Zack Ryders POV_

9:20am - Woo woo woo. I'm on my way to Punk's house to return his aloe vera Nair. I'm as smooth as a baby's bum.

9:22am - No-one's answering the door. But Punk's my broski. He won't mind if I let myself in.

9:25am - I walk down the hallway. Out of the corner of my eye I see Randal in the pantry so I pop in to say hi.

9:26am - HE'S POOPING IN A GYM BAG AGAIN. "ARE YOU SERIOUS BRO!"

_Randals POV _

9:26am - I punt Zack in the skull. No-one calls me "bro." I am the Viper, Randy Orton.

9:34am - I think Punk will like The gift I left for him. I've had the farts and the squirts all week.

9:42am - I have a voicemail from fat Matt. He's threatening to tell the world of our secret fling. Can't be having that.

10:00am - Punk's purple Cadillac is parked outside, so I steal it and drive to Matts with the gym bag. I do this because if I walked, it could take me weeks.

10:04am - I crash into a tree and run over an elderly man.

10:11am - Arrive at Matts. I punt the front door down.

10:13am - Matt is sitting in the fridge. He starts screaming so I stuff him in the poopy bag and put it in the car. That ought to shut him up.

10:28am - We arrive at a nearby river. The voices in my head tell me to throw the poopy bag in the water. THE VIPER STRIKES AGAIN!

10:30am - I hear a car so I hide behind a tree. That crafty old Dave Dickinson gets out and scurries after the bag which is floating away. "Ooh mahogany brown. I'll be having some of that. That's the real deal." Oh dear.

10:34am - He starts rubbing the 'fake tan' (viper poo) into his skin, then finds Matt, and accidentally kicks him back into the river out of shock.

10:36am - He starts dialling 999 so I make a run for it.

_Punks POV_

12:05pm - It's time for some Spring cleaning. Tinker tickling isn't the only thing I use my feather duster for, you know.

12:15pm - It's always best to have a soundtrack whilst doing housework. Everyone knows I'm a sax god, so I put on some classic Gay Marvin and the newest release from Cliff, 'Bold as Brass'.

12:17pm - "RANDAL KEITH ORTON! Why have you disguised yourself as a lamp?" Not that I'm complaining. He compliments the décor nicely.

12:25pm - There's a knock at the door. Oh, well I never. It's the world famous Chief Inspector Frost.

"Hey, Frosty, my name is pogo, wanna jump on my stick?"

12:27pm - "Sorry sir but I am here for business purposes only. I was told by Mr Ryder that Randy Orton is often found at your residence. Is he around?" Now, this doesn't matter as I am outraged that he rejected me. With a swift GTS he falls to the floor. Dead.

12:31pm - I hear Randal's giant footsteps coming from the other room. "I. Need. To. Find. Zack. Right. Away. He. Will. Pay. For. What. He's. Done." Well. He never did return my Nair.

1:10pm - Need to get ready for my appointment with Hunter. Think I'll opt for a bubble bath. He likes me smelling fresh.

1:58pm - Just as I put on my coat and hat, the doorbell rings. He must be keen. Trips is wearing a tux, complete with a bouquet of roses, just for me. We head into the kitchen, where I put the flowers in some water.

2:01pm - I place a rose in my mouth and turn to face Hunter. AHHHH. Apparently, roses have thorns, and I now have blood trickling down my chin; I'm sure this makes me look as sexy as ever.

2:03pm - Trips licks his lips and rubs his crotch. Our eyes meet, and I produce a pair of handcuffs from my pocket.

2:07pm - Now, Trips seems slightly reluctant, and I'm a nice chap, so I whisper a few sweet nothings into his ear to soothe him. Then I lead him upstairs.

2:11pm - I push him onto the bed, handcuffing him to each bed post.

"Erm, Punk. I don't trust you. What are you planning?"

"Aw what's the matter Hunter, are you scared? You shouldn't be, no matter how hard you're trying to fight it, I know you want my tinker up your bum."

2:15pm - I throw my coat and hat aside, and get to work at removing his clothes. I decide I like the bow tie, so I steal it and put it on myself.

2:19pm - He seems really tense, so I lean over and gently place a kiss on the tip of his nose. I feel him tremble underneath me, and I see fear in his eyes, so I serenade him with some Barry Manilow.

2:25pm - I drag my tongue down his chest and stop to tweak each nipple as I do so. I stop just before I get to his tinker, and flip him over onto his stomach. Ohoho.

2:28pm - There's no time for lube in a situation like this. I slowly insert my member into his cerebral tunnel. He lets out a scream. He loves it, so I start to thrust.

2:34pm - _"AAAAAT THHHEEEEEEE….COPA, COPA CABANAAAAAAA"_

2:40pm - I flip him back over again, and he begs me to relieve him. I sit on his tinker and bounce up and down.

2:45pm - _"OOOHHHHH MANDYYYYY, YOU CAME AND YOU GAVE WITHOUT TAKINGGGG"_

**MEANWHILE… **

_Randals POV_

2:30pm - After searching around for Zack for ages, the voices in my head told me to check the local tanning salon.

2:45pm - I found him, and drag him back to the car. I lock him in the boot. Muhaha.

2:58pm - We arrive back at Punks and I pull Zack up the path by his hair.

3:07pm - I lie him on the living room floor and take off my pants.

3:15pm - He tries to make a run for it so I RKO him. No one messes with the Viper.

3:19pm - Just as he regains consciousness, I proceed to rape him. Woo. Woo. Woo.

_Punks POV_

3:15pm - I wave Hunter goodbye. What a nice time we had. He said he'll be back tomorrow.

3:20pm - There seems to be a commotion going on in the living room. I best go check it out.

3:22pm - RANDAL! WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING? YOU DISGUST ME! YOU TRAITOR! HOW COULD YOU LEAVE ME OUT! LET ME JOIN YOU.

Randals POV

3:26pm - Great. Punk's joined in. Which means Zack is going to enjoy this.

3:30pm - There's a lot of moaning going on. The two of them seem to be having too much fun.

3:31pm - I need to put a stop to this. I crush him with my giant thighs. I watch as the life drains from his eyes.

3:34pm - Punk looks on in horror.

"I'm. Sorry. I. Ruined. Your. Fun. Punk. I. Can. Make. It. Up. To. You."

3:36 - I drop to my knees and take his tinker in my mouth. Soon all is forgiven.

4:00pm - I lie on the floor with Punk tucked between my thighs like a baby. I spot Zack's lifeless body in the corner, and suggest we have a barbeque to get rid of it.

"Randal, Zack was one of my favourite clients."

"I'm. Sorry. Punk. We're. In. This. Together. Now."

"Right. How does Long Island steak and Iced Tea sound?"


	3. Too Many Limes

**A Day in the Life of Punky Poo – Part 3**

10:15am - My glorious body awakens from its peaceful slumber. The sound of shuffling footsteps and a breeze to the crotch tell me I am outside. On my decking. I have no idea how I got here.

10:17am - I lift my head and open one eye to see a ginger arm across my chest.

"Oh King. Boy am I glad to see you here. We must have had a great time last night, you and I. Be a darling and fetch over the lead pipe. It's never too early for a spin."

10:18am - A gentle peck to my delicate face tells me this was not King Sheamy at all. A kiss as soggy and sloppy as that could only belong to one vulgar creature. I swiftly jump out of the ginger man's hold and conveniently spill a pina colada all over him in the process. Then I throw up in front of him.

"HENRY! GET OFF MY PROPERTY! AND TAKE YOUR DEFORMITY WITH YOU!"

"But last night you said you loved me, and that we could spend the rest of our lives together, and have little Hunk babies. The names Heath, by the way." Old micro knickers was tearing up. I try to remember last night. Nope. Nothing. Must have been the cannibalism. Darn that Zack.

"You also invited me to your Halloween bash tonight. I can't wait to show you my costume, it'll fill your tinker with joy."

"Hahahaha oh Harry, why would I have a Halloween party in the middle of February? I'm not falling for your little game, I know what you're trying to do."

"It's true Punk. You invited everyone here. And it's HEATH."

I look around to see a garden full of sleeping strangers. The Zack barbeque clearly went down a treat.

"Whatever. Look, Halloween party or no Halloween party, you are not coming anywhere near me or my tinker again. Randal! Do me a favour and punt Horace out of my house, he can take his pretty friend J Gay with him."

10:30am - I decide to kick the stragglers out. Gotta get gardener Albert round to spruce up the place for my er, 'Halloween' party.

10:34am - I run around with my water gun waking people up. Woooo I'm just like James Bond. They're all thanking me for 'a great night'. What a host I am. I come across actual Sheamus and push him in a bush for some rumpy pumpy.

11:03am - I strut down to Matalan to get party supplies. I get stopped by a local. Apparently I've offended him with my 'gentleman's parts flapping around for the world to see'. I, quite rightly am appalled by this and proceed to rub my beard in his face.

11:07am - He says he's gonna call the police. I say the police are no match for my beautiful singing. He says he's gonna call them anyway. I say SCREW STING I'M CM PUNK.

11:23am - Arrive at Matalan. I am horrified to find that there are no Halloween outfits on sale. I demand to speak to the store manager.

11:29am - The store manager says they only have a few left over pieces from last October. I scream and shout and stamp my feet until he goes and gets them. He comes back with a cape, face paint and some glow in the dark fangs. He tells me it's a vampire costume. I'm impressed. I thank him and ask if he wants a stroke of the tinker. Of course he does.

11:33am - I pick up some spooky house accessories on the way out. Sparkly purple plates and cups will do just nicely. There was no cobwebs but the silly string was on offer so I bought a ton of it.

12:05pm - I get back home to find Randal already dressed in his assless chaps. He's been waiting for an opportunity to dress up like a cowboy for ages.

12:10pm - I call Rick and ask him to serve up the cocktails. I'm very inexperienced in this field but figure they'll go down a treat in the hot tub.

12:14am - While I'm on the phone, I ring my good buddies Steel Panther and ask if they'd play tonight.

12:30pm - I cover the garden in silly string. Looking at the result, my tinker would have done a better job.

12:35pm - I start getting ready. The Matalan face paint doesn't seem to cover my tan very well. I ask Randal to grab the emulsion from the garage.

12:44pm - Edge calls round. He and Randal help paint me. Edge gets the front and Randal gets the back. Needless to say, shenanigans ensue.

1:12pm - I start preparing the food. Frying onions isn't the best activity when in the nuddy pants. Edge leaves for the chemist to buy bandages for his mummy costume.

1:56pm - I want a giant ice sculpture. Of me. Thrusting.

3:15pm - My giant ice sculpture arrives. The likeness is uncanny.

3:31pm - I watch through the window as my guests arrive. Miz and Morrison, or 'Batmiz' as he likes to be known, pull up in a replica batmobile. I like John's purple Joker attire. Sexy.

3:45pm - Next, Sheamus the caped warrior, Spongebob Dolph, Dave the sexy cat and Christian the milkmaid arrive in a swanky pink limo.

3:51pm - Closely following behind is angel Festus and Swags in a bear outfit, riding on a bear. Didn't see that one coming.

3:59pm - A ginger nurse with a body to die for arrives hand in hand with a girly looking Indian. Both are wearing matching pink face veils. These two look very familiar but I can't put my finger on who they are. Hmmm. Good costumes though. Lots of pvc and fringe.

4:10pm - The mysterious pair are followed by Triple H, he is wearing bunny ears, a tail, and nothing else. Jericho, who is dressed as a robot, and Husky, who is a policeman. I wonder if he has a truncheon. I open the window and shout at the guests, accusing them of not following the 'spooky' theme, and throw tampons off them. I clearly have the best costume. Ha.

4:21pm - All of a sudden Kane's music hits and the sky turns red. Fire blasts through the garden as he enters. He is dressed as a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.

4:29pm - Undertaker arrives in a cloud of smoke. Everyone stops and stares as he hobbles down the path. Ain't no grave can hold that body down. Wait, he's came as himself? How dare he. GODAMMIT MARK YOU COULD HAVE MADE AN EFFORT.

4:33pm - Hang on a second, is that Jeff dragging himself along the floor behind Taker? And is that a burger in his hand? It's been a while since I last saw him. He's looking well.

4:46pm - Jeff crawls over to the buffet and demolishes everything in sight. The guests have a boogie while they await Steel Panther and my big arrival.

4:50pm - Finally, Satchel and friends turn up on a cloud of purple glitter and lightening, just like Monkey Magic.

4:54pm - While the band are setting up, Randal, clad in chaps and cowboy boots, rushes over and whispers in Michael's ear.

4:55pm - Suddenly, there is a loud crash and the band go into an extended version of 'Asian Hooker', my personal favourite from 'Feel the Steel'. The strobe lights start and I am lowered in from the sky, swaying my hips and sprinkling fairy dust.

5:00pm - I land on the red carpeted decking, wow Edge did a great job.

5:03pm - The look on peoples faces is priceless. BASK IN MY GLORY PEOPLE.

5:07pm - I strut over to the stage, cape blowing in the wind. I make sure my stance is perfect, one leg hoisted up on top of an amp, showing my tinker in all its glory. The host has arrived.

5:10pm - I belt out the chorus and the place erupts! I'm having trouble keeping these teeth in.

5:12pm - After finishing the song, I stage dive into the audience. Hands roam all over my body, touching me in the most sensitive of places. "Mind the tinker lads."

5:13pm - Dave gets a slap to the face, and its not my hand that did it.

5:17pm - Well that was fun. Pretty sure I was raped a few times though.

5:24pm - Out of the corner of my eye I see Husky bust a move. Everyone surrounds him and cheers him on. It soon turns into a dance off. The winner gets to spend a whole night with yours truly.

5:29pm - Trips has a go and stomps around for a few minutes. He's ruined my lawn.

5:35pm - Jericho does his specially prepared robot dance. The crowd aren't impressed and demand he do his one legged crawl. He's very good at that.

5:38pm - Johnny Morrison sideway shuffles his way in and stuns the audience with his moves. Miz clearly isn't happy that the attention isn't on him and pushes Johnny boy out of the way. He panther crawls till the cows come home.

5:45pm - The judge, Stix Zadinia decides that John is the winner of the dance off. Miz runs away and sulks in a corner. John celebrates by showing us how he can grate cheese on his abs.

5:46pm - Miz parks his bum next to Jeff. Is he stupid. I see Jeff inject something into Miz's belly button (Jeff knows the score). Being the terrifying creature of the night he is, he starts playing the ukulele on his leg and chants 'Modest' in a strange African tongue.

5:50pm - As soon as the band go into 'Hell's on Fire' I know its conga time. I flash my tinker, give a wink and everyone comes running. We set off around the garden.

5:53pm - I feel a tinker from the person behind me prod my bum. Clearly the Husk wants access. Before long, we are all thrusting into each other as we conga.

5:55pm - I lead the conga upstairs for a game of 7 minutes in heaven. When in my room, I open the window to invite Steel Panther up.

5:57pm - By the looks of things, Jeff is trying to chat up my beautiful ice sculpture. To my horror, he grabs a baseball bat and smashes it up! NOOOOOOOO! It looked just like me.

6:01pm - Steel Panther and Jeff make their way up the stairs. Jeff is holding a tray of shot glasses.

"What did you do to my ice sculpture!"

"Mmmmffllhphhhhh…..gghhhh…phohhulllloo"

"YOU MONSTER."

"Ggahhhrrrlllffffff."

"Sit down."

"Nurrllkjhgfdh."

6:03pm - "Okay. Everyone put their name in my sun hat, I get to pick first!" I put my hand in and smile. "Sexy cat, you're all mine big guy. 7 minutes is a lot of time in my world." I attach a lead to Dave's collar and make him crawl to the closet.

6:07pm - There's not a lot of room in here with Dave. He's squished up against the wall with an uncomfortable look on his face.

6:06pm - Dave does a massive pump.

6:11pm - I'm having to do all the work here seeing as David can't move.

6:14pm - Well that was, different. Skipping out of the closet, I see that Jericho and Dolph are having trouble with their boxy attire. They repeatedly crash into one another before falling over and rolling around for a bit. Now both are stuck and can't get up.

6:15pm - That saucy nurse and Sheamus are occupying the closet. Hope they don't mind the smell.

6:19pm - There's a ton of smoke coming from under the closet door. I scan the room to make sure Jeff's not in there with them.

6:20pm - The door bursts open and the sexy nurse rushes out screaming. Apparently the two ginger men have started a fire. If they've ruined my impressive selection of coats I will not be happy.

6:22pm - Steel Panther undo their leather cod pieces and wee in the closet, putting out the flames.

6:26pm - Jeff demands to have a séance. He's pulled out his gun and threatens to shoot unless we join him.

6:34pm - Once we are back in the garden, we sit in a circle and hold hands. I'm smushed between Festus and Mark. I feel a bit uneasy with a breast pressed up against my face. And Mark is far too rough. I couldn't walk for days after he was done with me.

6:40pm - "Hello? If there's anybody here please give us a sign." Flip, flop, flip, flop. Oh god. The sound of mysterious walking across the decking is back! I exchange glances with Randal.

"Areee youuu serious brooooo?" a ghastly voice called from the bush. I begin to panic, that can only be the voice of one Zack Ryder!

"D-Did anyone hear that?" My face grows paler than it already is.

"Bleeeehklll I did Punk." Jeff knew? "Yeah, that's my bro Matt!" I breathe a sigh of relief.

"Oh yeah, hi Matt."

"For real bro! You gonna play it like you're innocent? Well I got something to tell your broski Jeff dude…" Suddenly, the sounds of moaning interrupt the séance. Friendly forest tramp Tyler has arrived!

6:57pm - I've never been so glad to see the grimy faced man in my life. I make a mental reminder to 'thank' him later.

7:04pm - I look over my shoulder and see Jeff scuttling over to the hot tub. People follow and jump in one by one. I order Randal to collect everyones clothes and hide them. As I stroll over to join them, I see Miz still slumped in the corner, clearly passed out. I wouldn't want him to miss out, so I drag him over and throw him in, propping him up against the side. The more the merrier. Before climing in, I discard my cape. I leave my glow in the dark fangs in cos it's a turn on.

7:10pm - I start to notice the water turning white. I smile to myself - its clear everyone is having a swell time.

7:16pm - No way. Turns out my emulsion is coming off! Ah well. At least my face is still painted.

7:25pm - From across the hot tub, I see Husky disappear underwater. I feel a hand caress my tinker. Ohoho. Dolph, Jericho, Hunter and Kane swim over and start fighting over me like I'm a piece of meat. I giggle like a school girl. This feels wonderful. Hunter pops up for air but I push him back under again.

7:40pm - The hot tub starts to shake and more and more bubbles form in the water. By George I didn't realise my tinker was so powerful.

7:43pm - Unfortunately, the frothy water isn't from my tinker at all. No, it's much worse. The spirit of MATTHEW has risen, and he sits scoffing his grapes in the middle of the hot tub. Matt died? Last time I checked he was alive and well. Everyone's jaws drop, my face is a picture. It's deadly silent exept for fat Matt's suckling.

7:45pm - But I thought we were done with the séance! It's so typical of Matt to turn up late. God I hate that chubby creep. Jeff pounces onto his brother and Matt vanishes in a cloud of smoke. Jeff splashes around, it's apparent he can't swim, even with arm bands on.

7:48pm - After a few minutes of sitting in shock, Mark breaks the silence by sobbing uncontrollably, howling and wailing as he climbs out of the hot tub. He drags his huge deadman feet over the grass and falls to his knees. "How could that big thighed monster do this to my dearest Matthew? I WILL GET MY REVENGE. HE WILL REST. IN. PEACE." Mark screamed. Oh no. Randal's been up to no good again.

7:50pm - I scramble out of the hot tub, landing on my head as I hit the ground. "Haha, um, Marky, I think you've had a bit too much to drink tonight. That punch is getting to your head isn't it? Matt's in a better place now. Lets just forget all about it. I can help you with that, if you like." I immediately regret saying that. I like it rough, but Taker is ridiculous. It was only last week when I had a foil plate and carton of Nesquik shoved up my night tunnel.

7:53pm - Randal runs over. He couldn't fit in the hot tub so he had to sit out, just so you know. Taker looks up. "YOU. I KNOW IT WAS YOU. YOU HAVE A REPUTATION WITH GYM BAGS. NOW I'M GOING TO RUIN YOUR LIFE." He hissed. Randal squeals and gallops away in terror. Mark gets up and towers over me, I fall to the ground and curl up into the fetal position. "Now, little Punky, I've got a surprise for you." He reaches into his behind and pulls out a wine bottle, then smashes it in half! "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" I scream, knowing where he's planning to stick that bottle. I freeze to the spot, godamn I hate being vulnerable.

8:05pm - Thankfully, my guests come to my rescue. Now this melts my heart. They really do care! "Leave him alone you, you fiend!" Sheamus cried, hitting Taker with his trusty stick. "It's a shameful thing! If he's going down, we're going with him!" Everyone nods in agreement. Now this doesn't sound like such a bad idea. Maybe I'll grow to enjoy Mark's rough punishment if my guests come along for the ride.

8:18pm - The deadman slowly makes his way over to John. John is shaking at this point, I'm not sure whether its from fear or the chilly February breeze. Taker pushes him down to the ground and uses the sharp end of the bottle to trace a line up and down his inner thigh, drawing blood. The older man leans over and licks it all up; judging by his hardened member, I think Johnny boy secretly enjoyed that.

8:29pm - Mark beckons Kane over, and orders him to 'get to work'. John whimpers and tries to wriggle away, but Kane flops on top of him to pin him down. As Mark takes care of John's tinker, Kane captures John's lips in a passionate kiss. The brothers of destruction lift John up and force him onto his knees. Mark stands in front of him and pushes his tinker into the mouth of the sexual jedi, causing him to gag. Taker loves this and releases his love juice all over John's chest. Meanwhile, Kane busies himself with John's bum.

8:44pm - Watching all this action has got me painfully excited. I pull aside Hunter, Husk, Jericho and Dolph for some quality time with the punkster. Just as we were about to get it on, I feel hot breath against the back of my neck. I shudder, knowing who lurks behind me. I squeeze my eyes (and bum hole) tightly shut and try to cover myself up with my hands. Taker's hand harshly connects with the skin on my bum cheek making me squeal and jump into Husky's arms. I pretend that I've fainted. Hahaha. He'll leave me alone now.

8:48pm - Jericho hobbles forward. "Hey big dude, what do you think you're doing preying on innocent people like that? And what are you planning on doing with that piece of glass that's been smashed?"

"Relax Chris, all I want is for us to have a good time. You can't just run off and leave us out." Taker cooed running his calloused fingers through the rockstar's hair.

8:52pm - Husky lays me down on the grass. I deserve an oscar for these acting skills. As I lie there playing dead, I hear the sounds of moaning and grunting all around me. I'm getting shunned! What's going on!

8:56pm - This is just awful. This has never ever happened before. It's getting increasingly difficult to lie here dead silent when there's an orgy going on. This is my specialty! Oh great, someone's just splashed me.

9:01pm - They're just teasing me now. My tinker starts to prick up when I hear an animalistic growl. It must be Dave. I feel a tongue circle the end of my tinker, causing a small whimper to escape from my lips. Oh god. I slowly open one eye and DEAR LORD IT'S MARK. I try to get up but he grabs me by the ankle and pulls me back down underneath him. He presses his icy cold wrinkled body against mine, grinding against my crotch. Tears form in my eyes. "Mark please, don't hurt me! I haven't done anything wrong!"

"You think you're the biggest pimp around here, well I'm gonna show you who's boss, little guy. Plus, I enjoy the pleasure you give me." Taker spat.

9:07pm - He rolls me over onto my stomach and traces a line down my spine with the top of the bottle, then stops at my entrance. I scream for help but before I know it, the bottle is inside of me, with Taker moving it in and out with some force. At first I squeal, but once he sets a rhythm it's quite enjoyable actually. "You okay down there Punky, I can tell you're enjoying yourself". I manage a grunt. "Clearly you need more punishment if that's the case. Spread your legs for me baby." I happily oblige. This isn't so bad after all! "I hope you're ready. This is gonna hurt." Wait. What's he gonna do with that smashed bottle. As soon as I feel the sharp prod between my bum cheeks I cry for help at the top of my lungs.

9:20pm - I look up to see Festus stood above me. Seriously. Of all people to come to my rescue. "Help me you fool! Don't just stand there!" He grabs me by the hands and scoops me up, saving me from that monster. Once I'm safe, he gives me the gallows pole, then skips off. I don't know if that was out of love or hate, I'm not sure he does either.

9:23pm - I notice blood seeping from my bum. I get Trips to clean me up. That was truly frightening, but I'm not gonna let it ruin my party. I see Dolph and Jericho making up for earlier so I decide to join them. Odd numbers creep me out, so I bring a half-conscious Miz along with me.

9:45pm - Miz just kinda lies there, he's not doing much. I tell Dolph to lie on his back. His eyes widen as Jericho crouches down next to me. "Dolph, this might be slightly painful, but you'll enjoy it cos you're kinky." We both enter at the same time, then wait a moment allowing Dolph to get used to us. We move in unison, Chris has some fab moves, that dancing training sure paid off. I couldn't help but bite into his neck with my fangs, making him giggle.

10:15pm - I enjoyed that. We even had Dave and Sheamus join in. Dolph is a lucky boy. He'll be sore in the morning.

10:24pm - Steel Panther have taken the stage once again. It's time for a boogie. 'Community Property' plays, the lights dim and everyone gets ready for the slow dance of the evening. Me and Randal had a full waltz rehearsed but he seems to have disappeared. I pick Dave to be my new partner, I'm sure he can dance. Jericho grabs Christian and shows off with his quickstep routine. Festus, Swags and the bear seem to be stuggling as a trio.

10:35pm - Me and Dave have a go. We shuffle around a bit, he's bulkier than I thought. "OUCH! GET OFF MY FOOT YOU FATTY. WE'RE THE WORST ONES HERE!" I tell him to lift me up and twirl me around. Oh I'm so elegant. Like a fairy. Everyone applauds.

10:46pm - I go hang out with Sheamus at the cocktail bar. "So, Sheamy, how's the fruit punch?"

"Aw I dunno, it tastes a bit funny. I think Rick's added TOO MANY LIMES."

"A few people said that. Hey, fancy a spin later?"

"Well you know me fella, I never turn down an offer like that."

"Good. Make sure you bring your stick, loverboy."

10:59pm - We're all back on the dance floor. 'Turn Out the Lights' kicks in and the place goes wild. John comes over and starts slow grinding up against me. He pushes me over to the picnic table and proceeds to perform a very racy lap dance. A few other guys come over and join in. I could get used to this.

11:10pm - 'Eyes of a Panther' comes on, and I go hump Hunters leg. I notice he's very excited. Very very excited. I'll take care of that.

11:17pm - Why are everyone's tinkers so lively all of a sudden? I literally had to fight Hunter off. Not that I'm complaining of course.

11:20pm - The music comes to a screeching halt. I look up to see Jeff on stage, testing a mic. He says that earlier on he drugged the punch bowl with the hopes that everyone would die a slow and painful death, just like his brother did. "Jeff, what did you drug the punch with?" I say, as that sexy nurse positions himself behind me.

"Uh, Viagra. It's deadly."

11:25pm - Deadly indeed. Well that explains it. As the final notes of 'The Shocker' drown out, we all head off to the bedroom.


End file.
